Backpacker workout plan

Trapped in tiny guesthouses or shared hostel rooms where you can’t even do a proper jumping jack and there is no way you are putting your hands anywhere near that floor? Of course you are. And it’s 200% humidity outside, you’re not going to fucking exercise. Conveniently, I’ve devised a foolproof plan for making yourself feel like you’re being physically challenged while on the road.

Warm-up stretch: That spot in the middle of your back sunburned two days ago and now you’re going snorkelling. Maybe you should have shelled out for that aloe.

Back and shoulders: Carry your backpack. That’s it. Up the road, down the road, across the gangplank. Now the other gangplank between two moving boats.

Core: Keep carrying your backpack. Now put your smaller backpack on your front in the pose known at the “pregnant turtle.” Now stand up. Good.

Arms: Purchase a large water bottle and a big Chang. Carry one (or both, ideally) around with you at all times, literally every moment of your day.

Legs: Walk up the beach to that store that you would swear had the Chang tanktop of your dreams. It’s not there. Turn around, walk in the other direction. No, don’t stop at your hostel, surely it’s at that store just past it in the other direction.

Thighs: What, you don’t want to actually make contact with that toilet seat, do you? Absolutely not. You practiced your squats at home, right? I thought so.

Cool-down stretch: Try to scratch that bug bite in the middle of your back. Ha, nope, now the three on your foot itch. Now they all itch at the same time time.

So far the Cambodia edition of this is proving to be “buy a three-day pass to Angkor Wat” as you will just sweat out every spare ounce of water in your body and then some.

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